⬇️ Prefer to listen instead? ⬇️
- 🧠 Emotional dysregulation in BPD is linked to a heightened intensity and duration of emotional experiences.
- 💊 Research shows impaired impulse control in BPD is tied to prefrontal cortex dysfunction.
- ⚠️ Misunderstanding lying in BPD as manipulation rather than distress-based behavior increases stigma and undermines support.
- 🧬 Early invalidating environments contribute to ingrained dishonesty as a way to survive.
- ✨ 88% of people with BPD achieve remission within 10 years with consistent treatment.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is often misunderstood, especially about lying. While lying is not a formal symptom of BPD, dishonest behavior—when it happens—is tied to the strong, changing emotions, fear of being left, and impulsivity that define the disorder. To truly help those with BPD, it is important to look at the deeper psychological and brain-based reasons behind lying. We should not just call it a moral failing or manipulation.
Is Lying a Symptom of BPD?
Lying is not one of the nine signs of BPD listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5). The main signs of borderline personality disorder include unstable emotions, a shaky sense of self, unstable relationships, intense fear of rejection, impulsivity, ongoing feelings of emptiness, and repeated self-harm or thoughts of suicide. Lying is not on this list.
But lying—when it happens in people with BPD—is a result of these core symptoms. This is especially true during times of strong emotional swings or trouble in relationships. These moments are not done out of bad intent or a wish to control. Instead, people try to cope with overwhelming feelings or what they see as threats.
In other words, dishonesty in BPD is often a reaction, not something planned. It shows how strongly the person feels in that moment, more than a desire to trick someone.
Psychological Reasons Behind BPD and Lying
Emotional dysregulation is one of the key and difficult parts of BPD. Dr. Marsha Linehan, who created Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), says that people with BPD often feel emotions more strongly. They also have trouble calming down after feeling upset (Linehan, 1993). In this intense emotional state, lying can become an automatic reaction to distress.
For example, if a person with BPD feels a relationship is having problems or fears being left soon, they might make up a story or change the truth to hold the other person close. It is important to know that this behavior is not always planned or thought out. It can come from a strong emotional need.
One key psychological way this happens is called “splitting.” This defense tactic makes people see others and situations in extremes—either all good or all bad. This affects how they see things and how their stories fit together. What looks like dishonesty to an outsider might be an emotionally true account for them, even if it does not match what they said before. The story told can change based on how they feel at that moment.
And then, people with BPD often have a shaky idea of who they are. If you do not have a clear sense of who you are, your relationships and stories can also be unsteady. Lying may then come from an unstable inner world, rather than purposeful lying.
Lying as a Way to Avoid Being Left
Fear of being left is one of the most painful and strong reasons in BPD. Their systems for connecting with others are often on high alert. This can be due to early trauma or care that was not steady. So, people with BPD constantly look for signs of rejection. A perceived (or real) threat of loss can send them into a very bad emotional state.
In this state, lying can become behavior caused by panic. It is a way to change the facts to stop someone from leaving. This is not about control in the everyday sense, but more about survival. It is about doing whatever it takes to avoid the terrible pain of being alone, even if that means changing the truth.
This behavior comes from how people grow up. Studies show that people with BPD often grew up in places where emotional needs were ignored, made fun of, or not always cared for in a steady way (Fonagy & Bateman, 2008). In such places, children might learn that being honest leads to punishment or being open to harm. This leads to a need to control what others think as a way to survive.
Faced with these very tense emotional situations, lying becomes a way to protect themselves. This is not because they are dishonest, but because they cannot handle the emotional results of being honest in that moment.
Impulsivity and Brain-Based Causes
Impulsivity is another key feature in people with BPD, and it plays a big part in why people lie. Many lies told by people with BPD are not planned lies to get something. Instead, they are impulsive reactions to a very changeable emotional situation.
This has a basis in the brain. A study by Soloff et al. (2007) found that people with BPD often show less activity in the orbitofrontal cortex. This part of the brain is very important for controlling impulses, making choices, and controlling actions in social settings. When this area is not working as well, it becomes harder for someone to stop themselves from speaking or thinking on impulse, even if what they say or think is untrue or wrong.
In emotionally charged talks, the person might blurt out something that feels emotionally correct rather than factually accurate. Later, as their emotional state settles, they may regret what they said. But the damage may already be done. This kind of reactive dishonesty is better understood as a problem with poor impulse control, not character or morality.
And then, research suggests that people with BPD have very active amygdala responses. This means their brain’s fear center is often too active. When they see danger—in relationships, in how people interact, or even within themselves—their brain is wired to react fast, not necessarily in a thoughtful way.
Telling the Difference Between Dishonesty and Confabulation
Another important difference when talking about BPD and lying is between purposeful lying and confabulation. Confabulation involves memories that are changed or made-up without meaning to. These are used to fill in gaps, often without the person knowing the memory is wrong.
Strong emotions in BPD can twist how people see things and remember them. For example, if a breakup feels like being completely left, a person with BPD might remember the event as if all their needs were ignored—whether or not that was actually true. When telling about the event later, it might sound like a lie. But in their emotional reality, it is true and deeply felt for them.
Understanding this helps stop others from thinking their actions are done on purpose to hurt or control. Instead, it shows the big part that emotional suffering plays in shaping how people see events and tell about them later.
This understanding can help keep trust in BPD relationships. It can also change talks from pointing fingers to asking questions: “Can you help me understand your experience?” instead of “You’re lying about what happened.”
The Part Early Invalidating Environments Play
Dr. Marsha Linehan’s biosocial theory says that BPD happens because of a mix of inborn weaknesses and not having feelings taken seriously by others. This often starts in childhood. An invalidating environment teaches a person that their feelings are wrong, too strong, or do not matter. In response, many learn early on to hide or change how they show feelings to feel safe or get approval.
Lying, in this way of looking at things, becomes something learned to cope. If a child is often punished for showing sadness or anger, they may start to lie about how they feel or what they need to survive emotionally. Over time, these protective actions hide their true feelings.
When this pattern continues into adult life, BPD relationships often show signs of these old ways of doing things: hiding truths, changing stories, or changing how things seem to feel safe or close. It is not about lying to get something for oneself. It is about trying to find a safe place in a world that once felt scary or uncaring.
This is why the basis for getting better often starts with creating safe places. In these places, full honesty is met with understanding and support, not punishment.
How BPD and Lying Affect Relationships
Relationships with someone who has BPD often swing between strong closeness and sudden distance. Lying, when it happens, can make these patterns worse. It can create breaks in trust and closeness.
For the person with BPD, lying can cause deep feelings of shame and self-hatred after it happens, especially when they are confronted. This self-judgment can lead to more withdrawal, feeling disconnected from reality, or emotional episodes.
For loved ones, dishonesty may cause confusion, anger, and mistrust. They may start to wonder if every interaction is real or if they are being controlled emotionally. This feeling—along with stronger reactions—can lead to breaks in connection that are hard to fix without therapy.
It is important to know that in many BPD relationships, lying is not a separate action. It is connected to cycles of fear, trauma, confusion, and attempts to get close. Dealing with truth in this context means not only making facts clear, but also looking at the emotional reasons behind those wrong accounts.
Debunking the “Pathological Liar” Stereotype
One of the most harmful wrong ideas about BPD is the belief that people with the disorder are pathological or compulsive liars. This broad statement simplifies hard behaviors into a single tag. It creates stigma that stops understanding and makes healing harder.
While lying can happen, it is rarely ongoing, random, or without emotional purpose. Most dishonesty in BPD comes from being very sensitive to what others do and from fear of being cut off.
When media, pop psychology, or personal stories paint people with BPD as naturally manipulative or dishonest, they miss the deep trauma that often causes their actions. This stereotype also harms recovery, as people may start to believe they are naturally untrustworthy or faulty.
Changing how we talk, from bad character traits to ways to deal with things, invites a more helpful and kind talk. Instead of asking, “Why are they lying?” we can ask, “What fear or pain are they trying to avoid?”
Can Therapy Help with Problematic Lying?
Yes—therapy can deal with problematic lying, especially when it comes from emotional dysregulation, trauma, or worry about relationships. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is one of the most effective treatments for BPD. It teaches people how to control emotions, be mindful, get along better with others, and handle distress.
According to Koons et al. (2001), 84% of people who finished a year of DBT showed clear drops in self-harming and impulsive behaviors. This includes actions linked to trying to control others emotionally or to lying.
Other types of therapy, such as schema therapy and trauma-informed care, can also help. These approaches work to fix hidden beliefs and unhelpful actions formed in childhood. Slowly, they replace these with healthier ways to cope.
Importantly, therapy helps people develop a more steady idea of who they are. This leads to more steady control of emotions and trust in relationships.
Supporting Loved Ones in BPD Relationships
If you are in a close relationship with someone who has BPD, moments of dishonesty may feel very painful. But support based on compassion, limits, and understanding can create a more stable and healing place for both people.
Tips for dealing with BPD relationships when dishonesty happens:
- Validate emotions, not lies: Try responses like, “It feels like this was really painful for you,” instead of only pointing out what does not match.
- Set clear but compassionate boundaries: Healthy limits protect both people and help people be responsible.
- Avoid accusatory language: Instead of “You lied to me,” try “I feel confused and want to talk more about what happened.”
- Encourage therapy when appropriate: A third party can often help control emotional intensity in ways a loved one cannot.
Building trust in BPD relationships is a practice. It is based on openness, education, and a shared commitment to growing.
Healing Is Possible
The outlook for people with BPD has greatly changed in recent years. Long-term studies show that 88% of people with BPD get better within ten years when given structured, ongoing treatment (Zanarini et al., 2006). What was once seen as a lifelong and untreatable condition is now understood as something people can recover from, manage, and deeply change.
Lying behaviors, though hard, can lessen with the right support. With therapy, people learn how to spot what sets off their emotions, react with more thought, and rebuild relationships based on mutual trust.
Above all, healing starts with changing how we understand things. It is not “people with BPD lie,” but rather, “people with BPD are dealing with very strong emotions the best way they know how.” With compassion, structure, and skilled therapy, honesty can grow in even the most delicate relationships.
References
Fonagy, P., & Bateman, A. (2008). The development of borderline personality disorder—A mentalizing model. Journal of Personality Disorders, 22(1), 4–21.
https://doi.org/10.1521/pedi.2008.22.1.4
Koons, C. R., Robins, C. J., Tweed, J. L., Lynch, T. R., Gonzalez, A. M., Morse, J. Q., … & Bastian, L. A. (2001). Efficacy of dialectical behavior therapy in women veterans with borderline personality disorder. Behavior Therapy, 32(2), 371–390.
https://doi.org/10.1016/S0005-7894(01)80009-5
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.
Soloff, P. H., Meltzer, C. C., Becker, C., Greer, P. J., Kelly, T. M., & Constantine, D. (2007). Impulsivity and prefrontal hypometabolism in borderline personality disorder. Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, 155(3), 245–256.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pscychresns.2006.12.007
Zanarini, M. C., Frankenburg, F. R., Hennen, J., Reich, D. B., & Silk, K. R. (2006). Prediction of the 10-year course of borderline personality disorder. American Journal of Psychiatry, 163(5), 827–832.
https://doi.org/10.1176/ajp.2006.163.5.827
If you or someone you love struggles with BPD and truth-telling, know that hope and healing are possible. Therapy can change actions, make connections stronger, and create a path forward built on trust and understanding.
