⬇️ Prefer to listen instead? ⬇️
- A new study says showing negative feelings can make partners more understanding and supportive.
- When people show a lot of emotion, partners see them as needing more help and act more supportive.
- Even small stressful things get better support when you’re honest about how you feel.
- Showing too much negativity can sometimes look like it’s too much or like you need too much from others.
- Being open about your feelings makes emotional closeness stronger and makes relationships feel better.
We often think showing frustration, sadness, or worry—even about small, everyday things—could push our romantic partners away. But new research on how people show feelings in relationships is questioning this idea. The findings suggest that being honest about how you feel, especially showing negative feelings, can actually make support and connection deeper in relationships. Instead of being bad, these times of showing your feelings might be key to building stronger romantic bonds where partners respond to each other more.
How Relationship Research Is Changing Ideas About Showing Feelings Honestly
People used to often say that in romantic talks, you should try to control your feelings and stay happy. This was seen as a way to stop fights and keep things calm. But recent findings in relationship research challenge this idea. They suggest that showing how you feel—especially negative feelings—can actually make you closer. A study put out in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin by Kirby Sigler and Amanda L. Forest looked at how showing negative feelings affects the kind and amount of support people get from their romantic partners.
What’s the main idea? When people truly show they are upset—even about pretty small things—their partners tend to be more understanding, caring, and helpful in return. These moments of showing your feelings honestly don’t push people away. Often, they lead to partners understanding each other better and feeling more connected. The research concludes that showing negative feelings works as a key signal in relationships that makes support better.
Let’s look closer at what the study found and how it changes what we think about closeness, talking, and what people need emotionally.
Why Showing Feelings Is Important in Relationships
A key part of any good romantic relationship is being able to handle feelings together. Showing how you feel is how partners tell each other about changes in their mood, how stressed they are, and how they feel overall. This talking is important not just for solving problems, but also for building closeness and trust.
In healthy relationships, giving and taking emotional support makes the bond between partners stronger. When one person is upset, feeling safe enough to show it—and getting caring support back—creates a loop of trust and responding to each other. On the other hand, hiding or playing down feelings can cause distance, misunderstandings, and later, unhappiness.
Relationship research keeps showing that emotional signals are the main signs of what someone needs in the relationship. And showing negative feelings—sadness, frustration, worry—is one of the clearest signs that help is needed. The recent study by Sigler and Forest highlights how strong these signals are in getting support.
Study 1: Text Message Tests Show What Emotional Words Can Do
In the first of three studies, 386 people were asked to picture themselves replying to a text from their romantic partner about something stressful. Some texts showed a lot of negative feeling (like, “I feel terrible” or “This ruined my weekend”). Other texts talked about similar things but in words that didn’t show as much emotion.
The things they wrote about went from serious problems, like getting their wallet stolen, to small issues, like plans for the weekend getting messed up. No matter how big or small the problem seemed objectively, people felt that messages with a lot of emotion deserved more support. They replied with more warmth, care, and helpfulness.
This test showed two main things
- Showing feeling made the partner see that help was needed more.
- The strength of the feeling—not the actual problem—was what led to a stronger supportive response.
Texts that showed feeling turned even small annoyances into chances for connection and care. By openly showing they were upset, people made it easier for their partners to know when help was needed.
Study 2: Audio Messages Use Empathy and the Desire to Help
How feelings are shown beyond just words—in the voice, how fast you talk, how your tone sounds—can really change how they are received. For the second study, the researchers used sound. People listened to made-up voicemails from their romantic partners talking about a hard situation. After listening, they recorded their own reply.
Again, the voicemails were different in how much feeling they showed. In the ones where sadness or worry was clearly heard in the voice, listeners said they felt a stronger wish to help and responded in a way that showed they were paying closer attention.
Why does the sound of the voice matter? Audio signals can go past the thinking part of the brain and directly connect with parts linked to empathy. When we hear our loved one’s voice shake with stress or get soft with sadness, it naturally tells us that help is needed quickly and that they are worth caring about. The study found that the tone of voice greatly shaped how much people wanted to help. This confirms that how you show feelings, along with what you say, is important.
This fits with other research in psychology that shows people react naturally to signs of stress, especially in close relationships. Showing negative feelings through your voice may be one of the most clear ways to ask for emotional and practical help from a romantic partner.
Study 3: Real Couples Show What Happens in Real Life
To go beyond just testing made-up situations, the researchers checked their idea with real couples talking about real problems. Partners were asked to remember a stressful thing they had gone through in the past year. They took turns talking while the other listened and replied.
As expected, partners who spoke about their feelings more clearly and strongly—especially negative feelings—got more support from the person they were with. This was true no matter what they were talking about. Whether it was stress from work, family problems, or feeling let down, partners who talked about their struggle openly and honestly received more understanding replies.
These findings back up the earlier tests. They confirm that the link between showing feelings and a partner’s support holds true in natural, important situations—between real people who have history, are attached, and have complicated feelings.
It showed that being open with feelings helps support happen not just in theory, but also in the real back-and-forth of daily relationships.
“Help Me” Signs: Why Partners See That You Need Help
In all three studies, showing feelings affected one main thing: whether the partner saw that help was needed. Support in relationships usually happens because partners are good at noticing when someone needs help, comfort, or reassurance.
Words and ways of showing negative feelings—words and expressions that show pain, fear, frustration, or sadness—are strong signals. They work like social calls for help. When partners see that help is needed a lot, they are more likely to respond in ways that are supportive.
Importantly, the support wasn’t just emotional (like comforting words). It also came in practical ways: offering advice, saying that feelings are valid, or helping think of ways to solve problems. And even these helpful actions were more common when emotional distress was clearly shown.
What this means for how we act is a big deal: showing negative feelings actually gives your partner a guide. It doesn’t just signal that something is wrong. It helps them understand how they can be there for you.
What Might Go Wrong When Showing Negativity
Of course, showing feelings isn’t always easy or risk-free. In the studies, a small number of people were less supportive when they felt the negative feelings being shown were too much or fake. In Study 1, messages that seemed too dramatic were sometimes seen as just complaining. In Study 2, voices that sounded too emotional sometimes made people feel like the person needed too much from them. Study 3 even showed that people who showed a lot of emotion were sometimes seen as not being able to handle hard things well.
This points to a tricky balance: being truly open about your feelings versus getting lost in emotion. Showing your feelings should feel real. When negativity seems planned, meant to control someone, or out of proportion, it might lead to less caring instead of more.
The main lesson here is to be clear. Showing your feelings honestly and in a balanced way invites support. But if emotional messages don’t feel real, they might risk pushing the listener away.
When and Where It’s Okay to Show How You Feel
While these findings show a good side to being open about feelings in romantic partnerships, the situation matters a lot. The study was done with couples who were in relationships that were pretty stable and had been together for a while. Things might be different in new relationships, friendships, at work, or in relationships where one person has more power (like parent and child or boss and employee).
In some cultures, showing negative feelings in public or often might not be seen as okay. Ideas about what is normal for men and women might also affect how showing feelings honestly is seen. Men showing they feel upset might be praised for being open, while women might unfairly be called too emotional.
So, while showing negative feelings can make support better in relationships, it works best when trust, feeling safe to be yourself, and understanding the culture are already there.
What This Means for You
How can we actually use what we learned in our daily lives? If you are dealing with problems—big or small—think about these points
- Don’t make your feelings seem less important: You don’t need a “good reason” to feel bad. Your feelings are real and okay.
- Use simple, honest words about how you feel: Saying “I’m frustrated,” “I feel alone,” “This really upset me” are strong ways to signal what’s happening.
- Ask for what you need: Do you want comfort? Help finding a solution? Just someone to listen? Being clear helps avoid confusion.
- Listen closely when your partner shows negative feelings: Those are signals asking for connection, not just complaints.
- Know that being open invites closeness: Emotional closeness grows when you and your partner are open with each other—not when everything is perfect.
When used thoughtfully, showing negative feelings is one of the most direct ways to make emotional connections deeper and get more support in relationships.
How Therapists and Others Can Use These Findings
If you work as a couples therapist or relationship coach, these findings are helpful. Often, people worry about being a burden to their partners. Changing the idea that showing feelings is a way to get closer—and that it often brings support instead of pushing it away—can make a big difference.
Simple ways to use this in therapy include
- Helping people see times when they made their feelings seem less important.
- Trying out role-plays to show different levels of emotion.
- Teaching partners how to understand and respond to emotional signals, both spoken and not spoken.
- Helping people change their ideas about what feelings are okay to show when things are tough or they are upset.
These actions can help build habits that see being open as brave and caring as action.
Why Being Open Makes Bonds Stronger
One of the deepest findings from this study is that showing negative feelings isn’t just useful—it changes things. When you say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed” or “I need some support right now,” you’re not just talking. You’re letting your partner in. That simple action makes your connection stronger, builds trust, and creates the emotional base that long-term relationships need.
Being open about yourself is the base of closeness. It is in these real, honest moments—like crying after a bad meeting, or talking about a silly frustration—that couples get closer. Instead of keeping negative feelings from each other, strong relationships accept them. They use these feelings to understand each other better.
What Comes Next for Relationship Science?
The study by Sigler and Forest has opened up important areas in relationship science. But it also brings up new questions
- How do patterns of showing feelings stay the same or change over time?
- Are there good things that happen in the long run from showing feelings often—or does relying on it too much make it less effective?
- How do ideas from different cultures or about men and women affect how people respond to negative feelings being shown?
- Can these ideas apply to other types of relationships—like friendships, brothers and sisters, or people giving care?
These questions point to more research that needs doing. It’s not just about when being negative helps. It’s also about how real feelings keep people connected for many years.
Showing your feelings—even the ones that are uncomfortable—isn’t selfish. It’s one of the most honest and effective ways to say, “I trust you.” And in supportive relationships, that trust is often given back with open arms.
So the next time a weekend plan gets canceled, or a work email upsets you—don’t keep it inside. Say how you feel. Let yourself be seen. Because sometimes, it’s not joy or everything being perfect that brings us closer—but being gently honest about being human.
References
- Sigler, K. N., & Forest, A. L. (2024). Expressing negativity enhances support from romantic partners, even for trivial stressors. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672241273142
