⬇️ Prefer to listen instead? ⬇️
- Strong social ties increase survival rates by 50% compared to weaker connections.
- The brain’s default state revolves around thinking about social bonds and others.
- Oxytocin and dopamine released during friendship boost trust and reduce stress.
- Passive social media use linked to decreased life satisfaction and connectedness.
- Lifelong friendships reduce cognitive decline and promote resilience in aging.
In a world increasingly focused on work and online connections, real friendships often don’t get enough attention. But more and more research shows these emotional bonds are really important. Having and keeping lasting friendships doesn’t just make us feel better. It also changes our brains and helps our bodies. If you’ve wondered how to be a better friend, science and psychology give clear, useful ideas. Here’s what you should know to make your relationships better, help others more, and improve your own life through good connections.
The Science of Friendship and Why It Matters
It’s easy to think of friends as just casual companions. But scientifically, they matter just as much to our health as good food or exercise. Studies show that important friendships are closely tied to living longer and having better mental health. The American Psychological Association says people with strong social relationships are 50% more likely to live longer than those with fewer connections (APA, 2023).
Why is the difference so big? Well, friendship helps protect against the bad effects of stress. It lowers stress hormone levels in the body and lowers the chances of mental health problems like depression, anxiety, and even long-term illnesses. Sociologist Debra Umberson and psychologist Jennifer Montez say that emotional support like friendships is very important for health. They say it has an effect like quitting smoking (Umberson & Montez, 2010).
From a brain perspective, needing friends isn’t just a choice. In fact, it’s built into us. Neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman explains how our brain’s “default mode” includes thinking about other people, even when we’re resting (Lieberman, 2013). This shows the human mind is made to care about social links. So trying to build closer connections doesn’t just feel good emotionally. It’s something our brains need.
What Makes a Good Friend? Ideas from Therapists & Research
Being a good friend doesn’t mean you need grand gestures or always be available. It’s about being real, understanding others’ feelings, and respecting each other. Therapists and psychologists point to several actions and qualities that show what good friendship is like for people everywhere, no matter their age or background.
Key Qualities of Good Friends
- Empathy: This means being able to truly feel what another person feels. Friends who understand and accept our feelings often help us through hard times better than family or paid helpers.
- Reliability: Being steady is important. A friend who does what they say builds trust over time.
- Support Without Judging: People feel safer opening up when they know they won’t be judged or given advice they didn’t ask for.
- Listening Fully: Don’t just plan what you’ll say next. Give the other person your full attention. This builds closeness and helps them feel understood.
- Fair Give and Take: Good friendships work two ways. Both people feel listened to, important, and involved.
Licensed therapists say it’s important to have emotional room for others. It means being ready mentally and emotionally, not just physically there. So you need to make time and space in your mind for what your friend is going through, even when your own life is busy.
The Science of Connection: Why Our Brains Want Social Bonds
Biologically, friendship releases some of the brain’s best feeling chemicals. When you’re with someone you trust and care about, your brain releases
- Oxytocin: People often call this the “bonding hormone.” It makes feelings of trust, closeness, and empathy stronger. Even a good talk or a hug can raise oxytocin levels.
- Dopamine: This is a “feel-good” brain chemical. It makes the good feelings from being connected stronger, which encourages more bonding.
- Serotonin and Endorphins: Being with others, laughing, and sharing feelings can release a mix of chemicals that lift your mood and help protect against depression and anxiety.
But the other side is just as strong. In fact, not having social connection, especially long-term loneliness, has been linked to more swelling in the body, heart problems, and the brain getting worse over time. Friends do more than just make you feel warm. They can actually change and protect your brain from sickness and getting weaker as you age (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2010).
7 Ways Science Says You Can Be a Better Friend
How can you work on being a good friend, starting now? These friendship tips come from research in psychology and ideas from therapists.
- Listen Carefully
Don’t just nod or share your own similar stories. Really pay attention to what your friend is saying. Show you understand their experience by saying, “That sounds like a lot. Do you want me to just listen, or do you want to talk about ideas for what to do?” - Try to Stay in Touch
Text to check in even when nothing big is happening. Keep track of birthdays, job interviews, or anniversaries that are important to them. Small things you do often mean more than big things you do only once in a while. - Have and Respect Limits
Good friends agree on clear limits. This could be how much emotional support they can give, how much time they have, or topics that make someone uncomfortable. Respecting these limits builds trust and stops people from feeling upset later. - Fix Things When They Go Wrong, Don’t Get Defensive
Everyone makes mistakes. What’s more important is taking responsibility. Saying, “I wasn’t there for you, and I’m really sorry” fixes more than just that one time. It helps keep trust over the long run. - Ask Open, Kind Questions
Try asking things like, “What’s been making you happy lately?” or “How are you really feeling?” instead of asking questions like you’re grilling them. Questions like these show you care about how they feel. - Celebrate Their Successes Without Comparing
Sometimes you might feel jealous without meaning to. Try to feel happy for your friend’s success without thinking about how you’re doing compared to them. - Show You’re Thankful
Saying thank you makes relationships better. Tell your friends how much it means to you that they are in your life. Say it out loud and say it often.
Being a good friend isn’t about being perfect. It’s more about trying to be kind and thoughtful.
Balancing Online and Real-Life Friendship Habits
Digital technology connects us across the world, but it can also make us feel less close emotionally. A study by Kross et al. found that just looking at social media without taking part—scrolling without connecting—made people less happy with their lives and feel more lonely (Kross et al., 2013).
Ways to Use Digital Tools Better
- Send a short voice message instead of a text. Hearing their voice helps you feel closer.
- Don’t wait for birthdays. Video call just because.
- Connect in a real way. Instead of just liking a post, send a direct message saying what you liked or thought about it.
- Create regular online habits together, like sending each other funny pictures once a week or checking in on Sunday nights.
The goal isn’t to not use tech, but to use it to make real connection stronger.
Red Flags: Are You Being a Bad Friend Without Realizing It?
We all have things we don’t see about ourselves. Here are some small things you might do that could hurt your friends without you meaning to
- Often canceling at the last minute.
- Avoiding talks about feelings, and only talking about unimportant things.
- Doing all the talking without asking questions back.
- Getting upset when a friend sets fair limits.
These aren’t signs you’re a bad person. But, they are signs you can get better. Being a good friend needs you to understand feelings, know yourself, and fix things when they go wrong.
Bad Friendship Behavior—And How to Stay Away From It
It’s not always easy to see when friendships turn bad. When someone tries to control your feelings, maybe pretending they care a lot, it can break trust quickly.
Signs of a Bad Friendship
- Making you doubt what is real: This is when someone makes you question what you saw or remember, even if they don’t mean to.
- Passive-Aggression: This is like making mean jokes or not talking to you to punish you. It shows hidden anger and that they don’t know how to talk about problems well.
- Trying to be better than you: Always needing to be the winner or do better than your friend makes you feel unsure about yourself, not close.
- Leaning too hard on one person: Depending only on one friend for all your feelings can be too much for everyone involved.
Being able to control your own feelings and talking honestly stops friendships from becoming bad.
Helping a Friend Through Mental Health Problems
Helping a friend when they are having emotional problems needs kindness, limits, and patience. Here’s how to help without doing too much.
DO
- Ask, “What kind of support do you need?”
- Make it seem normal to get help from a therapist if the problem doesn’t go away.
- Check in often, but don’t feel like you have to “fix” things.
DON’T
- Give advice they didn’t ask for.
- Make their feelings seem small by only saying positive things (like “At least you…”).
- Harm your own health or happiness to be their only helper.
Help them, but also take care of yourself.
Thinking About How Your Mental Health Affects Friendship
How you are feeling affects how you are in any relationship. Feeling stressed, going through hard things, or being burned out can make it hard for you to be there emotionally. It can also make you react too strongly to things you think are insults.
Stop and ask yourself
- “Am I calm and here right now, or am I just reacting?”
- “Am I treating my friend how I would want them to treat me right now?”
Seeing a therapist, writing in a journal, or meditating can help you get your feelings back in balance. This helps you build real friendships that get closer.
When to Step Back from a Friendship
Sometimes getting better means taking a step back. For example, if a friendship always makes you feel tired, or like someone is trying to control you, or not safe, maybe you need to take a break or stop being friends.
Signs you might need to end a friendship
- You feel worse after you spend time together most of the time.
- The limits you set are not respected over and over.
- The friendship feels like it’s only about one person, or like it’s not real.
Be honest but kind
“This connection doesn’t feel healthy for me anymore. I wish you well, but I need some space.”
Ending a friendship can hurt, but it can also be a very important way to take care of yourself.
What You Get Out of Being a Good Friend—For You
Getting close friendships where both people give and take goes way past just feeling good emotionally.
Things science shows you get back
- Better understanding of feelings and handling disagreements
- Less chance of having mental health problems
- More drive, strength to deal with hard times, and new ideas
- Less feeling alone, especially when life changes a lot
Being a good friend isn’t just for them. It also helps you grow as a person and improves your mental health.
Therapist Ideas for Keeping Friendships Going Long-Term
Friendships need to be cared for, not just have a long history, to last. So, mental health professionals suggest making regular habits and showing you are thankful.
- Make Regular Friendship Habits: Calling on Sundays, meeting for brunch once a month, or checking in at the end of the day helps keep things steady.
- Say You’re Thankful: Say things like, “I really appreciate how you always check in on me.”
- Don’t Just Assume Things: Don’t think you know everything about your friend. People change, so keep being interested in them.
- Really Celebrate Successes: Cheer them on, whether everyone sees it or just the two of you. Friendships get stronger when people feel seen.
Treat friendship as a relationship that needs the same care as romantic partners or family.
Friendship As You Go Through Life
What you need from friends changes as you get older. From playing together as kids, to deep talks as adults, to just being with someone when you’re older—friendships look different but are always important.
- As Teenagers: It’s most important to feel like you belong and are part of a group.
- In Early Adulthood: Friends are most important for helping you through big life changes like careers, relationships, and living on your own.
- In Middle to Older Age: Friends give your life meaning, help you remember the past, and protect you from feeling alone.
Don’t be afraid to get back in touch with old friends or find new ways to be friends as you both change.
Final Thoughts: Friendship As a Way to Stay Healthy
Being a good friend isn’t just about feeling good. It’s something that can help you live longer. Strong social links control our stress, improve how we feel emotionally, and shape us, even in our bodies.
If you’ve been wondering how to be a better friend, start with small steps, but start today. Pay attention to that next text, that hard talk, that real compliment. You aren’t just helping build links. You are helping your mental health, how you feel emotionally, and how long you live.
Citations
- Lieberman, M. D. (2013). Social: Why our brains are wired to connect. Crown Publishing Group.
- Kross, E., Verduyn, P., Demiralp, E., Park, J., Lee, D. S., Lin, N., … & Ybarra, O. (2013). Facebook use predicts declines in subjective well-being in young adults. PLOS One, 8(8), e69841. https://doi.plos.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0069841
- Umberson, D., & Montez, J. K. (2010). Social relationships and health: A flashpoint for health policy. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 51(Suppl), S54–S66. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022146510383501
